jokes

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bodge
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:41 pm
Location: hull east yorkshire
Service details: national service 1952 - 1954
Real name: Malcolm Brown

jokes

Post by bodge »

orporate Lessons - Enjoy!

Much wisdom follows

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop
that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. "Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me
first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to
the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the
office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered:
"Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.



Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.

bodge
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:41 pm
Location: hull east yorkshire
Service details: national service 1952 - 1954
Real name: Malcolm Brown

Re: jokes

Post by bodge »

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

Arnie
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 12:42 pm
Location: Western Australia
Service details: Enlisted in 14th/20th King's Hussars on 2 Feb 1959.
Served Hohne and Rheindahlen 1959 - 1962
Libya 1962 Cyprus with C Sqn Dec 1963 - Feb 1964. Returned to Benghazi
then to Tripoli with B Sqn until Sep 1964. Left for Courses in NBC then to 7 Armoured Brigade till 1967.
Transferred to Intelligence Corps 67. First posting to Northern Ireland 67 - 70.
Singapore 70 - 71, Hong Kong 71 - 72. NI 72 - 74. NITAT (Northern Ireland Training and Advisory Team) 74 - 76. Berlin 76 - 79. Final Posting, Preston Int and Security Section. Stupidly Retired on 1 Feb 81, and emigrated to Australia.
Real name:
x 8

Re: jokes

Post by Arnie »

Just joking, excuse the pun, but did you become an Archaeologist when you left the Army? As said before keep them coming.

Arnie :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Bill Bentley
Posts: 98
Joined: Thu Dec 26, 2019 6:40 pm
Location: Germany / Spain
Service details: 1970 - JLR RAC, 14/20KH, Para Sqn RAC, 14/20KH, Hereford, 14/20KH, 2 Para, DLOY - 1990.
Real name: Martin William Lester Bentley (Bill) (Basha !)
x 1
x 8

Re: jokes

Post by Bill Bentley »

4 British soldiers, an Eng, an Ir. a Scot and a Taffy, get captured by Muslim terrorists and are told they will, after one last wish, be executed by firing squad.
The taffy says' I wish that a 1,000 man Welsch Choir sings Land of my fathers for me.
The Scot says' I wish that a 1,000 man Scottish Choir sings Flower of Scotland for me.
The Paddy says' I wish to see a 1,000 man River Dance, live.
The Englishman says' for fucks sake, shoot me first :lol: :lol:

God bless Bernard Manning 8-)

bodge
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:41 pm
Location: hull east yorkshire
Service details: national service 1952 - 1954
Real name: Malcolm Brown

Re: jokes

Post by bodge »

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"


The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends"

bodge
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:41 pm
Location: hull east yorkshire
Service details: national service 1952 - 1954
Real name: Malcolm Brown

Re: jokes

Post by bodge »

>
> First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
> with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with
> the body covered in a white sheet. The professor startled the class by
> telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important
qualities
> as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
> the human body." "For an example", the Professor pulled back the sheet,
> stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his
finger
> in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told the students. The
> students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
> turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and suckin g on it.
> When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The
> second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
> and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
>
>

Ferdy
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 7:02 pm
Real name:
x 1

Re: jokes

Post by Ferdy »

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Lulu, who was also a guest on the show, looked intrigued:

After the show, Lulu said.

"Sean, if Ah’m no bein too forward, Ah’d lovetae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let’s go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says. "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we canhave even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wulliein your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says. "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens and they have even better sex.

Then Sean says.

"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it’s all over and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks.

"Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye’re sleepin"..???

Sean replies.

*

"No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole me fookin Wallet"..

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