Relief humor

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bodge
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:41 pm
Location: hull east yorkshire
Service details: national service 1952 - 1954
Real name: Malcolm Brown

Relief humor

Post by bodge »

Weak attempts, but one or two might provide a bit of needed comic relief.



* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
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> * I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
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> * I need to practice social distancing from . . . the refrigerator.
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> * Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter/Passover . . . The Living Room or The Bedroom.
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> * Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
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> * Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job!
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> * I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.
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> * This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog . . . we laughed a lot.
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> * So, after this quarantine, will the producers of My 600 Pound life just find me or do I find them?
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> * Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business!
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> * My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
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> * Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
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> * I’m so excited . . . it’s time to take out the garbage. What to wear, what to wear?
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> * I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyardia. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroomia.
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> * Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks women with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
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> * Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” I’m offended.

Michael Burgess
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 6:37 pm
Location: Uk Dorset
Service details: Boy's Sqn RAC 1956 B Sqn Berlin 1958. Stayed Regt Duty till 1990 then RAC Gunnery School till Xmas 2006. Completed 50years and 6 months service.
Real name: Mick Burgess
x 4

Re: Relief humor

Post by Michael Burgess »

Well done Bodge this one is going around quite quick had 6 emails today with that Attachment, still passes the time
Take care keep safe and pour yourself a Shultheiss. :D :roll: :oops:
Mick

Woods 27
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:17 am
Service details: Served Jan 1975-Aug1987

Herford Cyprus Bovington Hohne Northern Ireland Catterick
Real name:
x 11
x 3

Re: Relief humor

Post by Woods 27 »

Bodge.

Change all the rooms in your house around put daft names on the doors then go on a pub crawl without leaving the house. :D :D :D


27,
YOU SIGN PHIL JONES :-( :-( :-( WE SIGN KUN AGUERO :-) :-) :-)
C.T.I.D. :-) :-) :-) ⓜⓒⓕⓒ I WAS THERE WHEN WE WERE SHIT ¿? ¿? ¿?

Ferdy
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 7:02 pm
Real name:
x 1

Re: Relief humor

Post by Ferdy »

A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank in a panic and shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because they aren't causing any problems and it's too risky to operate. A few months later she gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears." Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened... you were going to the toilet and a bullet came out...?" "No," says the boy, "I was doing what boys do, and I shot the dog!"

Pinky
Posts: 108
Joined: Thu Dec 26, 2019 11:31 am
Location: Alberta, Canada
Service details: 14/20H then that other regiment. 1979-2003
Real name:
x 5
x 14

Re: Relief humor

Post by Pinky »

Brilliant read .....but old!!

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
00:36

Arthur















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Pinky
Posts: 108
Joined: Thu Dec 26, 2019 11:31 am
Location: Alberta, Canada
Service details: 14/20H then that other regiment. 1979-2003
Real name:
x 5
x 14

Re: Relief humor

Post by Pinky »

Howdy,
Not humour really but I look back to my service days often and recall the many squadron songs and hilarious piss taking when I joined - stood around the many fires during sqn smokers on Soltau compared to the days after 1992 and before I left.
I did 12 yrs in the 14/20H and 10 yrs in the KRH. KRH was a mixed time for me, we lost our identity completely, KRH basically took lads from anywhere.
Don't get me wrong there were many professional soldiers in the KRH but for me we were no longer tank experts, hard working - hard drinking tank soldiers. I must admit times change but I didn't like the changes - I was NOT an armoured infantryman, I did 6 months in North Belfast but anymore than that pissed me off.
I joined the Lancashire Cavalry - I left the minor counties Yeomanry. Just my thoughts.
Stay safe
Pinky

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