laws of golf

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bodge
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:41 pm
Location: hull east yorkshire
Service details: national service 1952 - 1954
Real name: Malcolm Brown

laws of golf

Post by bodge »

Laws of Golf



LAW 1:

No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.



LAW 2:

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.



LAW 3:

Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.



LAW 4:

Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.



LAW 5:

The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.



LAW 6:

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.



LAW 7:

All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.



LAW 8:

Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.



LAW 9:

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.



LAW 10:

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.



LAW 11:

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.



LAW 12:

Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.



LAW 13:

If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.



LAW 14:

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8. (THIS is how the one-handed putting started!)



LAW 15:

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.



LAW 16:

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.



LAW 17:

It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.



LAW 18:

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.



LAW 19:

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.



LAW 20:

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.



LAW 21:

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.



LAW 22:

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: (i) how many hands you have, and (ii) which one is wearing the glove.



LAW 23:

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.



LAW 24:

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Arnie
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 12:42 pm
Location: Western Australia
Service details: Enlisted in 14th/20th King's Hussars on 2 Feb 1959.
Served Hohne and Rheindahlen 1959 - 1962
Libya 1962 Cyprus with C Sqn Dec 1963 - Feb 1964. Returned to Benghazi
then to Tripoli with B Sqn until Sep 1964. Left for Courses in NBC then to 7 Armoured Brigade till 1967.
Transferred to Intelligence Corps 67. First posting to Northern Ireland 67 - 70.
Singapore 70 - 71, Hong Kong 71 - 72. NI 72 - 74. NITAT (Northern Ireland Training and Advisory Team) 74 - 76. Berlin 76 - 79. Final Posting, Preston Int and Security Section. Stupidly Retired on 1 Feb 81, and emigrated to Australia.
Real name:
x 9

Re: laws of golf

Post by Arnie »

Bodge, you should start off another 'Worst joke of all time'. I don't remember how many pages that topic accumulated but I do remember the first joke on the first page.

"Two Goldfish in a Tank, the first one said to the other,

You drive and I'll fire the gun!"

Which qualified to earn the title.

Arnie :D :D :D :D :D :D

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